I can’t remember exactly when it first hit me that non-monogamy existed. From my earliest days, perhaps from my parents, perhaps from media, I understood that a dating relationship was between two people. At some point, maybe in college, I remember being aware that “open relationships” were a thing, but I also remember distinctly thinking “that’s just a different word for cheating”, “I could never share my man, I’m way too jealous”, and “that’s just a temporary thing that always ends in heartache”

So how the heck did I go from that, to someone who now considers herself polyamorous and has several regular partners? That’s an excellent question.

Looking back, I can spot a ton of little “signs” that had been there all along, pointing to the fact that I was destined to be non-monogamous, but 2018 was the year for me that started the chain of events that eventually led to me discovering who I truly was. I’m an Amazon Prime subscriber, and one of my favorite benefits is the Free First Reads program. (For anyone not familiar, each month, Prime members get to choose a new release ebook for free out of a pre-determined selection). In June of 2018, I chose the book Neighborly by Ellie Monago. It was a suspense novel about a newlywed couple who just bought their first house in a highly coveted HOA. At the time, NP and I had been married just under 2 years and we had just purchased our first home…in an HOA. I chose the book because of the similarities it had to my own life.

Backing up a quick sec, I referred to NP. For anonymity’s sake, I’m going to reference with nicknames. Because this is meant to be an educational blog on polyamory, I’m going to be using a lot of poly terms. NP will henceforth be the nickname for my hubby. In the world of ENM (ethical non-monogamy), NP refers to one’s “nesting partner”, aka the person they live with! (This is the first post I’m writing, but eventually I’ll include a polyamory glossary for quick reference.)

As I got deeper into the book, the secret of the HOA came out – it was a community of swingers and all of the residents swapped partners on a regular basis. I was shocked, but also intrigued. I remember reading a passage aloud to NP and we both felt some arousal imagining it. I quickly finished the book and as soon as it had come up, the thought was out of our minds.

Fast forward to early 2019, I had met a community of friends playing a mobile game. The players were from all over the country but we formed tight-knit friendships. One night I was chatting with one of the guys on my team and he started getting flirtatious. I was caught off-guard and I responded by saying I wasn’t sure his wife would approve. To my shock he quickly quipped back that “of course she didn’t mind” because they were non-monogamous. It blew my mind; he and his wife had been married for 20 years, and open for 10. This was a living, breathing example of a time when non-monogamy didn’t just last a short while and end in a breakup. I was so intrigued that I began asking all sorts of questions, just to sate my curiosity. The more we talked, the more I desired to be flirty with him. I was conflicted. I loved NP with all my heart, but for the first time in the 6 years we’d been together, I had a desire to flirt with someone else.

I couldn’t carry on in secret so one night I mustered the courage to talk to NP about it. We were laying in bed when I posed the question out of the blue. “Have you ever had any thoughts about an open relationship?”. He was shocked. I was shocked. We chatted about it, with him admitting he had pondered asking me the same question years prior but worried I’d freak out. (He’s absolutely right. I believe that if he would have posed the question years earlier, I would have totally freaked out and jumped to irrational conclusions.) The next couple weeks were a roller coaster of emotions. Extreme highs with NP saying what a “cool wife he had, allowing him to be with others” and extreme lows of him questioning if I had fallen out of love with him and asking if this was my way of saying I wanted a divorce. We both agreed to do our own research. Ultimately the goal was to try this new, exciting thing, but without harming our relationship in anyway.

I looked up articles of pros and cons, interviews with couples in open marriages, and how-to guides for opening your marriage. Most of what I found was negative, as expected, but I was surprised to find a handful of success stories, which I had previously considered impossible. NP and I came back together to talk boundaries and come up with guidelines of how we wanted to go forward.

If anyone out there is reading this as they contemplate trying non-monogamy, here is a great place to learn from our mistakes.

As we communicated our guidelines, we came up with a laundry list of “rules” we both had to abide by. In hindsight, creating rules is a way to control your partner’s actions. It’s saying “you aren’t able to do this thing”. However, as we have grown and evolved in our journey with non-monogamy, we’ve found that we don’t really feel ethical imposing rules and controlling our partners’ actions. Looking back, the rules were created out of fears and insecurities. It’s no surprise that over time it lead to some resentments and both of us feeling controlled by the other.

Once we felt we had thoroughly prepared ourselves, NP and I ended our monogamous life and began our journey with non-monogamy on 2/28/19. The beginning was tumultuous and filled with ups and downs as we coped with immense changes, but as I sit here typing this just shy of 3 years later, I applaud my younger self for having the bravery to rise above social norms telling me to stay monogamous simply because that is what’s typical.

I offer my advice in the form of this blog so that anyone out there going through the same thing can use it as a resource. When I began my non-monogamous journey there weren’t many resources in my age group. I firmly believe that non-monogamy is much more prevalent than society lets on. If I can help even just one person navigate through an issue, then this whole thing was worth it. If nothing else, I hope that this demystifies polyamory. Often misrepresented in media, I hope this blog serves as a beacon for people who are legitimately curious to learn about polyamory.

Happy reading and if you have any questions, I’m an open book – please feel free to use the contact form to reach out to me.