When NP and I started our ENM journey, I quite literally googled “how to make open relationships work” because my main concern was allowing us both to explore ENM while also ensuring that our marriage stayed healthy. I do NOT recommend following in my footsteps. All of the articles that popped up highly recommended making your “open relationship rules” which now looking back, reek of couple privilege and are rooted in insecurity.

I once heard a metaphor that compared relationship “rules” to a band-aid. There’s something that gives you negative feelings, and instead of getting to the root cause of why the negative feelings are happening, a rule is created in an attempt to block those feelings from surfacing.

Looking back at the rules that NP and I created in February of 2019 makes me cringe. However, in an attempt to help others learn what not to do, I’ll share some of them here.

How NOT to do non-monogamy:

• We always come home at night/no sleepovers with other partners
  • I was afraid that spending the night with someone other than me would have some magic spell on NP and make him fall out of love with me
• The moment an emotional/romantic connection forms, we must end that relationship
  • This was rooted in the fear that any romantic/emotional attraction to someone else would decrease the romantic/emotional attraction to each other
• We do not disclose details to spouse, must be discreet
  • Yes, we started as a DADT
  • Didn’t want to have to deal with potential jealous emotions so this was our attempt to avoid them altogether
• We aren’t allowed to have local partners
  • More attempts to avoid possible jealousy in the event that a partner’s play partner was seen around town
• We cannot have more than 1 new play partner a month
  • In all honesty I forgot we ever had this rule; probably rooted in insecurity that if we were only playing with one person in a month, it would decrease the amount of chances for us to find a replacement for each other
• We cannot have play partners on our property or in our house, ever
  • Stemmed from lack of trust that we would select quality partners, causing the fear that if partners knew where we lived, we would somehow inherently be in danger
• If we have penetrative sex, condoms must be used every time
  • This was less rooted in caution and safety purposes, and more put in place because we had a fear that fluid bonding with others would somehow threaten our relationship
• We always come first to each other
  • My how we’ve grown. Hello hierarchy.
  • Rooted in the insecurity that if we weren’t each other’s first priority then we would become nothing
• We cannot date previously known contacts (aka – no exes)
  • Fear that rekindling things with exes would invalidate our relationship
• Other common “rules” I’ve witnessed others enforcing throughout my ENM journey:
  • No penetrative sex with partners other than spouse
  • No sex until you’ve had x dates with partner
  • Spouse has to be the last person each day that you have intercourse with
  • Only allowed to spend x hours per date with other partner
  • If you have sex with other partner, you must take and send me pics
  • Not allowed to have sex with other partners in master bed
  • Not allowed to have other partners over while spouse is home

The list goes on and on. Many of these are problematic in more ways than one. If you are just starting your ENM journey, please do not create a rule list like this. If you’re already in an ENM relationship and some of these sound familiar to you – I urge you to sit down with your partner and dig into the root causes that may be fueling these rules.

As NP and I grew and learned more about ENM, we discovered that imposing rules is moreso just a way for you to control your partner. “This thing makes me feel icky so you can’t do this thing anymore because it makes me feel icky and I don’t want to deal with those emotions.” It sounds harsh but when you take a step back, can you describe it any other way? We no longer have any of the rules listed above. In fact, we don’t have any “rules” at all.

Now, I’m not saying that you should go into ENM with absolutely no regard for your partner’s feelings. However, ethically speaking, you are really only in charge of yourself, and that’s where boundaries come in.

Boundaries are limits you put in place for your own well being; they help you to determine what you’re comfortable with.

The difference between a boundary and a rule is that a boundary is something you have for yourself (Example: I dislike McDonald’s fries so I won’t eat them) and a rule is something you’re imposing on your partner (Example: I dislike McDonald’s fries so you can’t eat them). Boundaries are a healthy and essential way to enforce what is important for your wellbeing. Outside of just relationships, I find that people, in general, need to get better at enforcing their boundaries in everyday situations with family, at work, with friends, etc; but this post will focus on setting boundaries in ENM relationships.

To aid in setting your own boundaries, I’ll share some of mine. Feel free to use these as a guideline to help with conversations with your partners.

Common ENM Boundary Topics:

• Safety Boundaries
  • Regular STD Testing
    • This is perhaps one of the most common boundaries I’ve seen within the ENM community
    • The way I see it, I have a network of partners, and they all have a network of partners. The potential for spread is immense. I want to do my part and make sure that I’m doing all I can to keep my partners and their partners safe
    • Boundary: I will be regularly tested every 4 months
    • Boundary: I will discuss sexual health with new partners prior to getting sexually intimate
    • Boundary: I will abstain from sexual intimacy with individuals who don’t get regularly tested
    • Boundary: In the event that I become aware of a positive result from me or a partner I’ve been intimate with, I will communicate honestly to my partner network
  • Barriers
    • This is another very common boundary I’ve seen, but it’s important that whatever boundaries are created, they are your boundaries for yourself and your own well being, rather than rules for your partner.
      • If you are feeling the need to create rules for your partner about this or any other topic, be sure to sit down and communicate with them what your fears are and what is important to you.
    • Boundary: I will use barriers with all new partners until regularity and trust are established
  • Birth Control
    • Boundary: I will maintain regular birth control through the use of an IUD
  • Meeting New Partners
    • A popular way to meet other, like-minded, ENM individuals involves online sites; because anyone can pretend to be someone they’re not, I find it common to have safety boundaries when it comes to first time meet ups
    • Boundary: I will always meet new partners in public environments
    • Boundary: I will have a safecall in place when meeting partners with whom trust hasn’t yet been established
  • Kink Safety
    • I could and probably will write a whole post dedicated to this topic at some point
    • Boundary: I won’t engage in kink play with anyone before having lengthy conversations about safety and limits, and trust is established
    • Boundary: I will not engage in kink play with anyone who does not respect my safe words
• Physical Boundaries
  • Hard Limits
    • It’s common for people to have hard limits about what they will and won’t do physically with new partners
    • Boundary: I will communicate my hard limits prior to becoming sexually intimate with new partners and I will not pursue relationships with anyone who doesn’t respect my limits
  • Soft Limits
    • Often times people will have soft limits for new partners. For example, they may choose not to engage in sexual intimacy until a relationship becomes more established
• Relationship Boundaries
  • Emotional Connections
    • With the vast range of ENM styles, some individuals may not be comfortable with romantic connections, while others may require it
    • Boundary: I will not engage in casual relationships (such as FWBs) that consist of sexual intimacy without the potential for a romantic connection forming
      • Remember that you probably won’t know all of your boundaries right off the bat. Often times you have to experience certain situations for you to realize what your boundaries are.
      • This boundary, in particular, was one that came after a year of exploring various ENM relationship styles. I learned that personally, I’m not fulfilled by relationships that are solely sexual connections.
  • Honesty and Trust
    • Boundary: I will be open and honest with my partners and I will not remain in relationships with individuals who prove to be dishonest and break my trust repeatedly
    • Boundary: I will freely communicate my relationship needs to my partners and I will be receptive when listening to the needs of my partners
  • Scheduling
    • Boundary: I will let NP know my date schedule of who I’m going out with and where I’ll be
      • This isn’t required by NP, but I do it to be courteous so that he isn’t worrying why I’m not home when I normally would be
  • Disagreements
    • Boundary: I will communicate with my partner when issues arise and I will not allow disagreements to fester
    • Boundary: I will not engage in communication about emotional matters with partners who are temporarily impaired due to substance consumption
    • Boundary: I reserve the right to leave any conversation if I feel unsafe physically or emotionally and will pick things back up only when I feel safe to do so again
  • Partner Network
    • Boundary: I will treat all of my partners with equity and I will not allow anyone to have power over relationships they aren’t involved in
• Privacy Boundaries
  • Other Partners
    • Depending on your style of ENM, you may have boundaries for what you you do and don’t discuss about other relationships with your partners.
    • In polyamory, I notice that people tend to gravitate towards either KTP or parallel polyamory and both have different expectations for what is and isn’t comfortable being shared
    • Boundary: Because I prefer KTP, I choose to only engage in relationships with individuals whom I can be open and honest about my other partners
  • Public Knowledge
    • Because monogamy is the norm and ENM is still regarded as highly controversial, most individuals I know within the community are required to keep their lifestyle hidden from the public
      • Whether it’s fear of being ostracized from family, losing custody of children, or being fired from jobs, there is sufficient reason to require privacy surrounding ENM relationships
    • Boundary: I will live my life as congruent as possible with my inner core and I will not hide any part of myself, including my ENM lifestyle, solely for the sake of others
      • This boundary is probably the newest for me because it took years to get to a place where I was brave enough to come out publicly
      • Of all my friends under the ENM umbrella, I only know of one other who is public about being polyamorous; so I realize that this isn’t a boundary that many individuals will have
    • Boundary: I will respect the privacy concerns of my partners and ENM friends

Did you notice that all of my boundaries are limitations I have for myself? None of them are imposing mandates on others. They are boundaries I put in place for myself for my own wellbeing and if I come across potential partners who don’t respect those boundaries, I don’t pursue relationships with them. They are free to do as they choose, just not with me.

While sometimes you will have ideas of what your boundaries are for big ENM topics such as safety and physical limits, there are often times that you won’t realize you have a boundary until the situation arises. If and when a previously unknown boundary is crossed, you will likely feel a strong emotional response. Your initial reaction will likely be to stop the hard feelings right away by imposing a rule, but that won’t help in the long run. It’s just a band-aid. Take time to sit down with your partner(s) and dig down to the root of the emotions. Once you discover why it is you had the strong emotional response, you will better be able to set up a boundary for yourself moving forward.

What are some relationship rules you’ve encountered in the past and why were they problematic? What are some boundaries you have for yourself?