(skip straight to to resource list here)

Introduction:

I was recently chatting with someone I met on a dating site who asked if they could ask me questions about polyamory. He and his partner were “monogamish” and he was hoping to pick the brain of someone polyamorous. As you may have guessed – I love talking about ENM and my polyamorous life. It’s my profound hope that one day in the future, topics like ENM are no longer considered taboo, but I believe we’ll only get there through openness of those within the community.

His questions were based in skepticism, that ENM, specifically polyamory could ever be successful long term. As I tried to share my experience, he mentioned hearing once that “men are only capable of loving one person, but they can’t stop their desire to have sexual relationships with any woman they find attractive. Trying not to explode with anger from how this statement was clearly biased towards cis-het men, I asked for his source.

For those who don’t know me on a personal level – I am a researcher by profession. I am a chemist in a research and development lab, and had a strong focus in research in my undergraduate career. Whenever someone mentions research statistics, I want to know what the sample size was, who were the subjects, what was the duration of the study, etc. He sent the link to a youtube video in which a self proclaimed “non-monogamy advocate” made arguments for open marriages, but against polyamory – going so far as to call it “a terrible idea” and “impossible to keep up long term”. In the video, the “expert” states that he polled hundreds of men, and all of them said they could love only one person but they could have emotionless casual sex with any woman. I did some digging on the speaker and found his website that lists no education or qualifications, but does list the books he’s published including “Get to Sex Fast: From First Date to Sex in Under Four Hours” and “How to Date Younger Women”. Classy.

I tried to explain why I didn’t take any “research findings” by this individual seriously, and the person I was chatting with lamented that it was hard to navigate all the internet advice out there. Suddenly I was brought back to my early ENM days, sifting through videos, articles, and blogs, and I remember having a difficult time myself. If I had a hard time discerning what was biased and what wasn’t – and I’m a trained research professional – then I can only imagine how hard it may be for others.

While I hope this blog can serve as a resource in itself, I am not an expert on polyamory by any means. All I know are the experiences I’ve had. That being said, I’d like to share my favorite resources that I’ve come to trust over the years. The following resources have been pivotal in my journey through ENM.

Resource List:

1. Multiamory podcast
   • This podcast is my all-time favorite resource for all things ENM
   • Led by Emily, a relationship mediator, specializing in jealousy management; Dedeker, a relationship coach, writer, and advocate for polyamory and non-traditional relationships; and Jase, a non-monogamous dating coach; these three are a wealth of knowledge
   • with 350 episodes and counting, whenever I have specific advice needs, I start with Multiamory because there’s a pretty good chance they have an episode about it
   • In addition to their free podcast available on most platforms (I listen on Spotify), they have an online discussion group that you can join by supporting their patreon. I’m a member of both their Facebook and Discord communities, and having a safe place to discuss with other ENM folks has been paramount in my journey
   • Heck – there are episodes monogamous folks would benefit from too, such as personal favorites of mine:
     • Episode #276 – I’m Not Your Mother
       • This episode gives advice on what to do when one partner isn’t motivated to help around the house, and the other partner is left with an unequal labor division
     • Episode #351/#352 Safer Sex Pts 1 & 2
       • These episodes really dive into STI education and how to have safer sex.
       • I honestly think I learned more from these 2 episodes than I did in public school health class…
2. PolySecure by Jessica Fern
   • If I could recommend one book to every polyamorous person, it would be this book
   • In three parts, Jessica gives detailed descriptions of John Bowlby’s attachment theory, defines consensual non-monogamy, and then advises on how to create secure attachment based relationships within polyamory
   • Prior to this book, all resources regarding attachment theory focused on how to build secure attachment based relationships within a mononormative society. This may have given the notion that secure attachment based relationships were unlikely to happen in non-monogamous relationships -which isn’t the case
   • This book helped me to come to a deeper understanding of who I am at my core – which, in turn, is helping me to know who I am in relation to the partners I’m in relationships with
   • Again, this doesn’t just have to be for polyamorous individuals. Monogamous folks could gain a lot from Part 1 and learning about their attachment style in relation to their partner’s attachment style.
3. A Touch of Flavor podcast; Episode #050
   • While I haven’t listened to this podcast enough to speak about the show in general, Episode 50 is one of the best resources I’ve found regarding coming out to loved ones about polyamory
   • I know a lot of polyamorous individuals. A lot. However, other than NP and I – only one other ENM person I know has been “out” about their polyamorous life. Relationship structure is not a protected class and as such, discrimination against non-traditional relationships is accepted and common, so I can understand why many have chosen to keep this part of their identity private
   • Thankfully, both NP and I have jobs in which we aren’t discriminated against for our relationship structure. Over time, we longed to live our outer lives congruent with our inner selves, and that included coming out to those around us
   • This episode titled “Is Your Loved One Polyamorous? Here’s What You Need to Know” dives into the hard questions that loved ones may ask. It covers the why, addresses concerns about commitment, discusses polyamorous families and childhood development, and even touches on religious concerns
   • To date, it is the best resource I’ve found to help explain Polyamory to monogamous friends and loved ones
4. Polyfriendly.org
   • I hesitated putting this resource in my list, for the sole fact that it’s been hit or miss for me
   • Polyfriendly.org is a listing of “polyamorous-friendly” professionals, from therapists, to doctors, to lawyers
   • I believe it’s incredibly important to have a directory of poly-friendly professionals, but this site allows providers to self-register themselves
     • Because of this, NP and I once used a therapist from this site who listed herself as “CNM friendly”, but in reality, she should have just been labeled as “CNM aware”
     • a true CNM friendly therapist won’t blindly blame CNM relationship structures for issues in a relationship, but this specific therapist did
   • That therapist aside, NP and I both found incredible therapists for our individual needs on polyfriendly.org, and they have both actually specialized in non-traditional relationships, so the site does have true CNM friendly therapists
   • I’d say to use it as a starting point and then do your own research on the individual you’ve picked to determine if they actually specialize in CNM relationships.
     • I’ve found that many therapists have a website where they detail their areas of expertise. Make sure they list non-traditional relationships or consensual non-monogamy as one of their specialties
5. The Love Language Quiz
   • So this is 100% mononormative based, considering it was developed by Gary Chapman (a baptist pastor) however, understanding yours and your partners’ love languages is a very powerful relationship tool
   • If you haven’t heard of love languages, essentially it’s believed that not everyone experiences ”love” the same way
   • This philosophy divides the way humans feel love into five different ”languages”
     • Quality Time
     • Acts of Service
     • Receiving Gifts
     • Words of Affirmation
     • Physical Touch
   • I have had much success in using this philosophy to help guide the ways I show love to my partners
   • Especially in polyamory where you have multiple relationships, it’s important to be cognizant that each partner may experience love differently
6. Polyamory and Jealousy: A More Than Two Essentials Guide by Eve Rickert and another author
   • I really struggled on whether or not to include this in my list because the controversy surrounding its parent book
   • You may or may not have heard of the book More Than Two, once widely praised for being THE go-to book for polyamory
   • When I first became polyamorous, it was recommended to me so many times I lost count
   • However, in 2019 the book received large amounts of criticism:
     • the book put too much pressure on polyamorous issues being a personal problem that the individual really needed to fix by themselves
     • Additionally, co-author Eve Rickert and many other past partners of the other author came forward during the #metoo movement in 2019 to bring light to the terrible abuse he inflicted on them during their relationships (find their stories here)
   • While I don’t recommend More Than Two, I did find Polyamory and Jealousy: A More Than Two Essentials Guide to have some helpful nuggets
     • Eve has mentioned in her blog that this supplemental guide was their attempt to fix some of the issues with guidance given in the jealousy chapter in More Than Two
   • This book helped me to understand that:
     1. Jealousy is a human emotion
     2. No one is immune no matter what they may think
     3. There is a difference between jealous feelings and jealous actions
   • To those out there struggling with jealous emotions, I recommend this guide as one possible resource
7. Life On The Swingset podcast
   • Less specifically poly focused, but still a great sex-positive resource for ENM individuals
   • Episodes cover a variety of alternative relationship styles including swinging, polyamory, BDSM and more
   • This was the first podcast I found when digging into ENM research and I found it to be informative and fun

That’s all that comes to mind at present but I’m sure I’ll add to this as time goes on.

What are some of your favorite/most reliable resources for ENM guidance?