I’ve experienced a lot of curiosity of how I’m able to practice non-hierarchical polyamory as a married individual. Just so we’re all on the same page, let me start with a few brief definitions.
To break it down, there are two main types of ways that coupled individuals structure polyamory:
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory – strives to give all partners the same privileges and relationship rights regardless of living situation/longevity. No one has power over anyone else’s relationship within the network
Hierarchical Polyamory – a polyamory structure in which people prioritize certain partners over others; often seen where one partner has a primary partner and ranks others as secondary or tertiary. In this set-up’ primary partners may have more rights than lower ranked partners
Both are accepted by the ENM community to be ethical ways to structure polyamorous relationships.
In my time as a polyamorous person, it’s been my observation that the vast majority of polyamorous couples tend to gravitate towards having a hierarchical structure. With the value society places on two-person relationships, it’s understandable why this may be the route many polyamorous couples choose to go. It’s the norm for two adults to share a house, share finances, and raise children. As a result, many polyamorous individuals hold their primary partner above other partners because of the way their lives are structured. It makes sense. I’ve also witnessed that like NP and I, many of my polyamorous friends started their poly journey after they were already married. When you’ve been living with one person as your main person for years, it’s understandable why some would choose to keep that structure in place.
Can a Married Couple Practice Non-Hierarchical Polyamory?
This is a question I get a lot, and in short – yes, a married couple can practice non-hierarchical polyamory. So what does that look like?
Living Arrangements
Being married, I own a house with NP which serves as my primary residence. While I spend most nights in my own bed, we do not have any restrictions or boundaries surrounding this. In a nutshell, I am free to sleep wherever I choose. When I have numerous partners, I try to make this as equitable as possible within the structure of each of my relationships. One of my partners is married and hierarchical. He spends all nights at home with his primary parter aside from special occasions that seldom pop up. This means that I never spend nights with him. Another one of my partners is single and enjoys my company at night so lately I find myself splitting time between sleeping at home with NP and sleeping at this partner’s place.
In addition to me going to a partner’s house to sleepover, I also enjoy when partners sleepover at my house. My house has a master bedroom and a guest room. Since NP and I share the house, we have an agreement that if either of us has a partner over, they are free to use the master bedroom while the other one of us will sleep in the guest room for the night.
Allotment of Time
Being non-hierarchical, NP and I both have the understanding that neither of us is entitled to the other’s time just because we’re married. We enjoy the recognition that we are free to spend time with partners, including each other, because we choose to, not because we are obligated to.
Special Occasions
Sometimes events pop up in which we want specific partners to attend. NP and I don’t feel obligated to always choose each other for these special events. For example: if I’m invited to a friend’s wedding and I receive a plus one, NP and I don’t have any rules to say that I have to take him over my other partners. Going along with occasions and events – because it’s never implied that either of us must attend events with the other, scheduling is key. If we have events we know of where we’d like to take each other, it works just like scheduling time with any other partner. The best advice for this is to give as much advance notice as possible and use a calendar tool such as shared Google calendars.
Quality Time
With all relationships having their own unique needs, different partners may have different needs from week to week. Being non-hierarchical, it’s not a given that I have to spend “x” amount of hours or days in a week with any partner, including NP. In my free time I’m big into community theatre and there are many weeks I’ll only have one or two free nights a week; it’s not a guarantee that one of those has to be spent with NP. This causes me to be more intentional when scheduling time with partners.
Veto Power
This is something we’ve seen a lot among other married ENM couples we know who practice hierarchical polyamory. NP and I do not have veto power over each other. We view all of our relationships as unique and independent from the others and as such, no relationship has power over another.
This doesn’t mean that NP and throw courtesy out the window. Because we live together, we try to be as considerate of each other as possible. We’ll let each other know our weekly schedules so we know when to expect the other home and vice versa.
Family Building
While NP and I are married, we don’t currently have children. We’ve talked about this at length, and don’t have the belief that children are solely something we can have with each other. Ultimately we’re not at that point yet. Down the road, we may choose to have children together and that’s our prerogative as a couple in a relationship together. It’s also possible that I meet another partner in the future I choose to have children with. The main point is that I’m not obligated to just have children with NP in the event I want children, just because we are married.
Being “Out” as Polyamorous
While this is not a necessity to live non-hierarchical, it definitely helps. If the public and my friends and family only know me to have one specific partner, then that person is getting different relationship privileges by default. Being out about being polyamorous allows me to bring whatever partners I choose to holidays, thank whichever partners I want to in my Playbill bios for the shows I’m in, and put up photos of my multiple partners on my desk at work. I believe that going public with our polyamory was one of catalysts that prompted us moving to a non-hierarchical structure. Without the need to hide certain relationships or partners, I am free to be who I want with whoever I choose in public.
Why Do I Prefer Non-Hierarchical Polyamory?
As I mentioned, I have a plethora of polyam friends in hierarchical marriages and relationships. People need to do what works for them. In this section I’m going to talk about why non-hierarchical polyamory works best for me.
Removing The Feeling of Obligation
It’s been my experience that since removing our relationship hierarchy, we’ve removed any feeling of obligation within our relationships. As I was reading PolySecure the following quote really resonated with me:
“I find security in the fact that when I’m in CNM relationships I know that my partners are not with me because they are obliged to be, but because they continue to choose to be”
Fern, 2020 1
As I mentioned, my primary residence is the home I share with NP and throughout my time being polyamorous, the amount of time I sleep at home has ebbed and flowed over the years with varying partner preferences. A welcomed byproduct of our non-hierarchical structure is that it helps us not to take nights spent together for granted. Without the obligation that I will spend “x nights at home”, NP and I have learned to cherish the nights we do have with each other.
Structure Does Not Equal Security
When NP and I first opened ourselves up to ENM and polyamory, we were hierarchical. If you remember from my post on Rules & Boundaries , we had a LOT of rules about what the other could and couldn’t do. As we began to communicate more about what other relationships meant to us, we began to realize that we were mistaking structure for security.
“Relationship structure does not guarantee emotional security”
Fern, 2020
As we began to allow ourselves to remove the hierarchy that existed, we started realizing that relationship security for us lies more within the experiences we have than the structure or hierarchy we maintain. Reading PolySecure helped us to better understand the differences between experience-based relationships and structure-based relationships.
“When we rely on the structure of the relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM, we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy. Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner. The narratives people have about love, marriage, primary partnership, and how to achieve relationship security are powerful, so much so that just the idea of being in love, married, or in a primary partnership can lead us to think we are experiencing attachment security when in reality, we might not be. We often assume that having more structural ties in a relationship means having more security”.
Fern, 2020 1
By focusing on the experiences I have with my partners rather than the structure and hierarchy of my relationships, they’re all constantly growing with the effort we’re putting in, and no partner runs the risk of falling to the backburner, as is sometimes common with longer relationships.
Relationship Equity
One of the biggest reasons NP and I chose to remove hierarchy was to give our other partners and relationships equity. One of the main catalysts was a partner whom NP had at the time. She was married (non-hierarchically) and out publicly as polyamorous. This allowed NP to experience a relationship outside of our relationship in which he wasn’t automatically a “secondary”. As he and I communicated about how wonderful that felt for him, we started to realize that we wanted to give our other partners the same courtesy. From the beginning, something just didn’t sit right with either of us, initiating relationships with others with the preface that “you will always come second to this person simply because they came into my life before you did.” Having a non-hierarchical structure allows us to enter relationships without expectations or restrictions for what it can and can’t become.
So – Why Did You Even Get Married???
Ah, yes. The $64,000 question. Other than “don’t you get jealous”, this is probably the next biggest question I’m asked. Monogamous folks ask this question in response to finding out I’m polyamorous. Hierarchical poly folks ask this when they find out I’m non-hierarchical.
If you’ve read my backstory, you know that NP and I didn’t start our relationship polyamorously. Back then, we got married much for the same reasons anyone in a long term relationship decides to get married and those reasons still apply today.
- I love NP and NP loves me
- Marriage was a way for us to celebrate our goal of lifelong commitment to each other and tether us together in a way that marriage tethers people together
- We already lived together, marriage provided an easier way for us to combine finances and share insurance benefits
- I want NP in my life indefinitely, and he wants me in his.
Being polyamorous, even non-hierarchically, doesn’t conflict with any of the reasons we chose to get married.
All in all, I’ve discovered that striving to remove the hierarchy in my relationships has created positive growth with all of my partners. As a married individual, I have found that it does take a bit of effort to try to make things as equitable as possible, especially if you were raised monogamously.
I’d love to hear from you! What sort of structure do you have in your relationships?
References:
- Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy (pp. 129; 137). Thorntree Press. ↩
The Polyamorous Millennial 
Well written…interesting point of view!
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Thanks for reading 😘
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From my experience, It was awkward when I joined a polycule that had been around for some time. Arrangements had to be made. It took time to really get acquainted with metamours, etc. When I started one with two others at the same time we decided to make it entirely open without rules. We also had “musical beds” as you described. None of my partners in either arrangement were married at the time. Even so, the first polycule was restricted because they had already established hierarchical rules with respect to new members. Your insights can also be established for non-married partners also.
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I agree with you! When I’ve joined dynamics that were hierarchical with established rules about what could and couldn’t happen, things felt so restricted. It’s my goal to never have my partners feel that restriction when in a relationship with me 🥰
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