It was March 19, 2020 and I was on a first date with this super charming guy. We were having a blast bowling when he got a call from work saying that effective immediately, his team would be working from home. The next day, Illinois’s “stay at home” order went into affect and thus the pandemic had reached the U.S.

It is insanely weird and difficult to date multiple people when there is a need to limit the amount of people you’re coming in contact with. At first, we thought it was no big deal. We’d limit our contact for the mandated two weeks and then things would be back to normal. The guy and I from the date mentioned above texted every day, excited for the possibility of our second date.

As we all know, that’s not what happened. Weeks dragged into months; months into years, while the pandemic persisted on. While that first date was amazing and incredible, things fizzled out sometime around June. We never did get that second date.

Reducing Transmission

When it comes to exposure and being cautious of transmission, you don’t have to preach to polyamorous folks. We deal with that vigilance on a daily basis. Even before the pandemic we were considering how many people were in our “web” of contact because most, if not all, polyamorous people are conscious of the effects of possible STI transmission. Having conversations about how your partner’s partner’s partner has HSV1 and what steps everyone is taking to prevent transmission is just the norm when new partners are added. So when we needed to think about COVID-19 exposure, these were conversations that we were already familiar with. However, unlike STIs that could be mitigated with use of barriers, meds, etc., there was nothing known to stop COVID from spreading through a group of people who have close contact with each other.

We can severely limit the spread of HIV from one partner to another with the help of PEP, PrEP, and condom usage, but prior to the vaccine, there was no way to stop the spread of COVID between two individuals in close contact who weren’t wearing masks.

I remained active on my dating profiles but dating was extremely hard. How do you date when no one is comfortable meeting in person? I started several text relationships with the hope of meeting eventually, but before long they all faded into nothing.

Being someone who identifies polyamory as part of my sexual identity and not just a relationship style choice, I am someone who is happiest and feels most congruent with my true self when I am in multiple loving relationships. Being unable to foster and connect with other relationships for weeks, months, years, was extremely detrimental to my mental health.

As I experienced in conversations with other poly friends, and witnessed as strangers lamented in various poly support groups, the feeling was felt by the entire community. Tension rose between polycules as some partners were more stringent than others.

Different Approach to Dating

In an effort to cope, the world got creative with how it approached “dating”. Social distance dates became a thing. There are several dates I went on where we hung out outside, stayed 6 feet away from each other, and wore masks….talk about “wild” first dates. Even public health organizations were creative with partner suggestions. The British Colombia CDC put out a recommendation guide for “socially distant sex” which included using “glory holes”.¹ The New York City Health Department published a brochure titled “Safer Sex and COVID-19” which hinted at similar advice as the BCCDC. Additionally it cautioned against sex parties and large gatherings, and suggested limiting sex partners and opting instead for virtual sex and “sexy Zoom parties or chat rooms”². If politics hadn’t already been a limiting factor when selecting partners, the divide between the left and the right grew wider as many conservatives resisted masks and vaccinations.

Social “Bubble”

With how vast polyamorous partner webs can be, the growing need for social-distancing and creating contact “bubbles” really limited the ability to have in-person time with various partners. It was extremely important to consider exposure knowing how you could be affecting someone who may be in your web. For example, NP’s partner’s partner is extremely immunocompromised. Even now, as the pandemic is mellowing out, I need to be conscientious of who my partners are coming in contact with, knowing how everyone in the contact web can be affected.

For the majority of the height of the pandemic, my close-contact bubble was NP, his girlfriend and her NP; and my boyfriend and his NP. They were the only people we spent our free time with. They were the people we spent our holidays with. Essentially – they became our second family. Looking back now, as neither NP’s girlfriend or my boyfriend from that time are in our lives anymore, it’s bittersweet knowing how close we got during such a weird time for dating.

Looking Ahead

As I write this now, we’re nearing the end of 2022. In my county, we’re averaging only 70 new cases per week, compared to the 600 new cases per week we were having in 2021. Things are much better and it seems like most people, polyam people included, have resumed pre-pandemic dating behaviors.

It’s my sincere hope that we don’t have to endure anything like this again in our lifetime, but if we do, at least we have the experience from the COVID-19 pandemic to help guide us towards safer dating.

References:

1. Elliot, J. (2020, July 22). Try ‘glory holes’ for safer sex during coronavirus, B.C. CDC says. Global News. Retrieved September 12, 2022, from https://www.globalnews.ca/news/7204384/coronavirus-glory-holes-sex/amp/ ↩
2. NYC Health Department. (2020, June 8). Safer Sex and COVID-19 [Brochure]. NYC.gov. Retrieved September 12, 2022, from https://www1.nyc.gov/assets/doh/downloads/pdf/imm/covid-sex-guidance.pdf ↩