Last May I wrote a post about how I was avoiding entering relationships with non-polyamorous humans due to terrible experiences I’d had thus far. Much to my dismay, I’m here 8 months later to add a follow up to that post.

As you’d imagine, I am extremely open and transparent in my dating profiles about being polyamorous and seeking polyamorous individuals. A monogamous person reached out inquisitively simply wanting to hear about my experience and learn how it all worked. We all know how much I love sharing polyamory with those who are curious, so it began as a completely platonic conversation. He hinted along the way that he was willing to try a relationship with me, but I remained firm that I wasn’t looking to date him.

We talked all the basics: parallel poly, KTP, different hierarchies, jealousy, boundaries….you name it. He read all of my blogs and he still maintained that he wanted me to give him a chance. As much as I was hesitant, I felt guilty faulting him for the ways the past non-poly men had acted, so my wall slowly crumbled down until I finally agreed to go on a date with him.

Once I was open to a date, we began to talk seriously about what a relationship with me might look like. I explained that being non-hierarchical, the only thing completely off the table for me in a relationship is marriage – since I am already married and multiple marriages are illegal. We talked insecurities and fears in new relationships. I communicated that while I don’t have any rules against bringing intimacy into the relationship, a boundary of mine is that I don’t like to bring intimacy into a relationship until I know that it’s going to be a regular, lasting relationship. I have this boundary because intimacy adds an extra layer of emotional connection for me and introducing that to a relationship before a partner has decided if they want to pursue things has only ever caused more emotional pain for me.

In the days leading up to the date, the excitement grew for both of us. Things seemed promising. We played board games with NP and Meta, all the while being extremely flirty and holding hands under the table. After a few board games we broke away to have some alone time. We were both feeling each other; I communicated that I absolutely saw continued dating in our future. I reiterated that I didn’t want to add intimacy if he didn’t feel the same way. He reassured me he did.

At the end of the night, it was like a sudden switch flipped. I could tell something was up. In the morning I reached out and he responded back that after all was said and done, he just wants someone to marry who can be all his own.

I was devastated. He was the one who pushed and pushed to give him a chance. I was upfront from the beginning about what I could and couldn’t give. He pushed me to give him a chance knowing that deep down, he wanted a monogamous marriage.

This experience has reaffirmed that my decision to only date polyamorous men is the right decision for me. No matter how much poly research they claimed to have done. No matter how sweet they are. No matter how much they try to convince me.