I’ve actually been wanting to write this post for a while. One thing I’ve noticed when chatting with folks about my life as a polyamorous person, whether it’s to a curious friend, or to a potential partner new to ENM, is that they always ask how many partners I have. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with this question, the meaning behind it is typically off-base.

Incorrect Assumptions

I’ve found that people tend to assume they can determine someone’s free time and availability based on the quantity of partners they have.

It makes sense, that logic works for us in a variety of scenarios:

• A college student with a 20 credit hours would likely have less free time than a student taking 15 credit hours
• A person working 2 jobs would likely have less free time than a person working 1 job
• Someone called for rehearsal 4 days a week would likely have less free time than a person called for rehearsal 2 days a week

And so people often assume that a person with more partners may have less free time than a person with less partners.

While this mostly happens with monogamous or newly ENM folks I meet, I have run across polyamorous folks on dating apps who ask how many partners I have as a way to determine if I’ll have enough time for them. If I had a nickel for every time someone on a dating site asked me how many partners I had, and then upon hearing my response said something like “oh you’ll never have enough time for what I’m looking for”, I’d have a ton of nickels.

However, what these people are failing to understand is that no two relationships are alike. Someone with one or two partners doesn’t necessarily have less free time than someone with 5 or 6 partners. It’s impossible to determine a person’s availability based on their partner quantity alone.

Further Judgement

Furthermore, in our society we’ve been taught that having sexual relationships with more than one person at a time is “insert negative adjective here” (gross, unsafe, irresponsible, dirty, risky, etc)*. Going along with assuming someone’s availability by knowing their partner quantity, people also tend to judge someone with many partners because they assume that the term “partner” automatically implies a sexual relationship. I’ll repeat my above sentiment, it’s impossible to determine a person’s sexual activity based on their partner quantity alone.

*(This is a huge misconception that will be getting its own post in the near future)

Where Does This Thinking Come From?

As humans, we take our own experiences and use them to relate to others around us. Whether someone is monogamous or ENM, most people have been in a relationship before and we use that experience to relate to others in relationships. In our mononormative society, we’re used to relationships including both romantic and sexual aspects that evolve over time to become the thing we pour most of our time into. They start out slow, and then quickly pick up speed until everything we’re doing includes our partner. I refer to those types of relationships as highly enmeshed. Highly enmeshed relationships absolutely exist in polyamory, but they aren’t the only type of relationships to exist.

Back in 2021, I had 5 partners. With that information, you don’t know how often I spent time with each of them, and you don’t know how many of them I had sexual relationships with. You simply know that I had 5 people in my life whom I considered “partners”. With solely that information, I experienced so many judgmental reactions. What people didn’t understand was that not all 5 relationships used the same amount of time or energy. I had highly enmeshed relationships with 2 partners, one I had a sexual relationship with, the other I didn’t, and I had various other relationships with 3 partners, one of whom was a comet.

Comet – a romantic partner who isn’t seen regularly but comes into one’s life every once in a while. Still a partner and relationship one values; but due to other forces (distance, availability, etc) time spent together is infrequent but is picked up instantly each meeting as though no time has passed.

The neat thing about polyamory is that our partners and relationships don’t have to fit into one mold. If I like someone and they like me, the two of us are free to create a relationship that fits for the two of us.

• If that means we text everyday but only see each other in person twice a year, that doesn’t mean they’re any less of a partner.
• If that means we hang out once a week but never have sex, that doesn’t mean they’re any less of a partner.

The main point I’m trying to drive home here is that you actually don’t know anything about someone’s relationship simply by knowing they have someone they refer to as a partner.

So How Many Partners Is Too Many?

While polyamorous folks take pride in the fact that we are open to as many relationships as we want, we also realize that doesn’t mean we can date everyone.

While love is our infinite resource, time and energy are finite.

There comes a point in time where a polyamorous person will become poly-saturated.

Poly–Saturated – a self-appointed term for someone who feels they are maxed out with their current quantity of partners. This poly-saturation limit varies for each person based on the amount of time and energy they have available to devote to relationships. Someone who is poly-saturated won’t be open to adding additional partners.

As I’ve pointed out in this post, there is no magic number at which a person becomes poly-saturated. I have friends who are poly-saturated with 2 partners. I have partners who have 6 partners and aren’t yet poly-saturated. It all depends on your individual relationship with each of your partners and also whatever else is going on in your life.

If you asked me today how many partners I had, the answer to that question would be 4:

• I have one partner who I try to hang out with weekly, who would be the closest person to my anchor partner
  • Romantic relationship: yes
  • Sexual relationship: no
• I have one partner I try to hang out with at least once a month
  • Romantic relationship: yes
  • Sexual relationship: yes
• One partner is someone I’m solely exploring BDSM and kink with and we get together when we both find time sporadically every other month or so
  • Romantic relationship: no
  • Sexual relationship: yes
• One partner is more of a comet who I text every day but see only a few times a year
  • Romantic relationship: yes
  • Sexual relationship: yes

(I included romantic/sexual details to reiterate that relationships and “partners” come in all varieties. They can be purely romantic, purely sexual, or both)

So to answer the question of “how many partners is too many?”, that all depends entirely on the individual, and even that fluctuates with time.

Wrap Up

Hopefully by now you’re ready to squash the misconception that you can assume anything about a person’s relationships simply by knowing how many partners they have, be that 1 or 100.

• If you’re reading this and you’re ENM and you’re wondering if the person you’re chatting with on a dating site has enough time for you – rather than ask how many partners they have, try asking what their available time and energy for a new relationship is. Talk about the time and energy you’re hoping to spend in this relationship
• If you’re reading this and you’re monogamous and you have ENM friends, don’t make assumptions about their relationships just by knowing how many partners they have

Going through this divorce, I’m finding that I’m really resonating with the concept of solo-poly and so I feel poly-saturated more easily than I have in the past.

Solo Polyamory – when an individual is polyamorous and may have multiple relationships, but lives an independent lifestyle.

I’m not currently looking for anyone to nest with, share finances with, etc. I’m happy and content with the partners and relationships I have because they allow me the time and energy to do my own, independent thing as well.

…I mean, let’s be honest, if someone on a dating site is concerned I won’t have enough availability for them, instead of asking how many partners I have, they should be asking how many shows I’m currently involved in and how many rehearsal days I have.

As always, thanks for reading!

XO

Kelsey