A few weeks ago I posted a call for questions for my first ever “Ask Me Anything!” This post contains the answers to each of the questions submitted.

How did you know/discover that you were polyamorous?

Great question! I will say that I didn’t officially know until 2019, but I feel like this needs a bit of exposition:

2019: I remember one day very distinctly coming to terms with the fact that “wow, yeah I am absolutely polyamorous”. It was a few months after my NP at the time and I had decided to explore ENM. We had been intentionally keeping connections casual and I ended up developing some pretty strong romantic feelings for a partner I was seeing. At the time, the concept of polyamory was actually pretty foreign to me, despite being ENM. Having been raised monogamously, I was still under the assumption that love for me worked like percentages (ie. if I loved someone new 10%, it must mean that my love for my NP dropped from 100% to 90%), so when the romantic feelings for this new partner seemingly sprang out of nowhere, I was caught off guard. That’s when I did some google searching and learned about polyamory – the capacity to love more than one person at a time. I really resonated on my feelings. It didn’t feel like the addition of this love for someone new impacted the existing love I had for my NP, which meant that for me, love isn’t like the percentage scenario I had previously imagined. While I would say that was the exact moment I knew that I was polyamorous, looking back in hindsight, I’ve recognized some signs that lead me to believe I’d been polyamorous all along.

Pre-2019:

In high school, I remember moments of powerful emotional connections with others, even while I was in monogamous relationships—a clear indication that my heart was naturally drawn to forming meaningful bonds regardless of societal norms. While most of them remained platonic, there were several times I found myself unintentionally crossing monogamous boundaries and feeling genuinely content when connecting with multiple partners simultaneously. You might wonder if anyone truly cheats accidentally, but that’s the best way I can describe it. It wasn’t a conscious intention to hurt anyone; I cherished my existing relationship and the connection it held, but simultaneously, I felt a powerful bond with someone else, outside the confines of that relationship. It was a confusing experience, as I found myself deeply emotionally connected to both individuals at the same time. This confusion stemmed from the framework of our mononormative society, where we’re taught to believe in the exclusivity of our feelings. We’re raised to think that wanting a deep emotional connection with someone outside our current relationship implies dissatisfaction with the present partnership, a notion that can be disorienting to navigate. I can also remember times when I felt a sense of excitement about non-traditional relationship dynamics, even if I didn’t fully understand it then, embracing alternative ways of love and connection. You may recall from one of my earlier posts, a pivotal moment in my monogamous marriage emerged during a seemingly innocent read of a book I initially thought was just a mystery novel. As I delved deeper into Ellie Monago’s “Neighborly,” the themes of an ENM community and partner swapping gradually unfolded before me. Surprisingly, I didn’t find myself repulsed by these concepts; rather, I was genuinely intrigued, filled with a sense of excitement, and fueled by curiosity.

So, while I didn’t have that “lightbulb” moment until after I’d already felt strong romantic feelings for more than one individual at a time, I feel like the signs have been there for a while, which actually is the perfect segue into our next question:

Do you think that people are born polyamorous, the same way they are born gay?

It honestly depends who you ask.

Speaking for myself, yes, I do believe that polyamory is an unchangeable part of my identity, just as being bisexual is an unchangeable part of my identity. As I mentioned above, I feel like the signs of my polyamorous identity had been present all along, long before I even knew there was a word to describe it. Growing up and knowing only monogamy, I’ve been in dozens of monogamous relationships over the past 22 years. When you don’t realize things can be different, you go along with it because it’s all you know. Now having experienced polyamorous relationships for almost 5 years, I can honestly say I feel more myself when I’m able to give and receive love freely regardless of the relationships I’m in. I was a vegetarian for a few years in college. I had enough to eat, but I craved meat the whole time and was never truly satisfied. The thought of entering into a monogamous relationship again gives me those same feelings. I could do it, but I wouldn’t truly be satisfied. All of this said, as you read above, I didn’t truly know I was polyamorous until I was 30 years old. Some may say, if I was born polyamorous, wouldn’t I have known long before that? To that I say, I didn’t truly know I was definitely bisexual until I was 32 years old. Society and the way we’re raised plays a huge part on discovering our identities. Some of us know early on, and some of us take longer to get there.

Perhaps one of the biggest names in polyamory research to-date is Dr. Elizabeth Sheff, who has been studying and publishing research on polyamory since the mid 1990s. Many of her studies involve longitudinal studies, looking at the same polyamorous families over the span of decades. Within one 20-year study, some of the polyamorous individuals responded that polyamory was part of their identity, and others felt that for themselves, polyamory was a lifestyle choice ¹. Similarly, among the polyamorous folks I’ve known personally, some are in the subset that believe polyamory is an unchangeable part of their identity, and some believe that polyamory for them is a lifestyle choice.

So ultimately, I think it’s different for different people. I believe that for some, they’re born polyamorous whether or not they realize it, and for some, it’s a lifestyle choice. Regardless of whether or not we believe polyamory to be an identity or a choice, at present, polyamory isn’t legally considered a sexual orientation. As such, is not a protected class, which unfortunately means that there is no recourse for discrimination, which leads nicely to our next question.

You’re the only polyamorous person I know, do you think it’s more common than people actually realize?

Wow, I love this question! Yes, I do think it’s more prevalent than folks realize! While it’s safe to say I may be the only publicly polyamorous person you know, I doubt I’m the only polyamorous person you know. I have a wide network of polyamorous friends and contacts and I’d say about 95% of them are closeted. Looking at the research, according to a 2021 study, Dr. Amy Moors found that 1 in 9 (11%) Americans are polyamorous². To make it easier to visualize, 11% of Americans have diabetes. You likely know a handful of people in your life who have diabetes, so chances are you’ve met the same amount of people who are polyamorous and you just didn’t realize it.

Why aren’t more people “out”? As I mentioned above, one large reason for this is that polyamory is not legally considered a sexual orientation, so it is not a protected class. This means there is no recourse for discrimination. I’m a member of a ton of polyam groups and I’ve seen all the horror stories. Parents losing custody of their kids because they’re polyamorous, folks losing their jobs, folks being refused medical and mental health care, folks being denied housing opportunities – all things that could severely impact someone’s life. Thankfully, I work in a job that strongly values DEI and I’m able to be my authentic self without fear of repercussion, but I have polyam friends who absolutely fear losing their jobs. I have a friend who worried that her mother would try and take custody of her children if her mother found out she was polyamorous. This was part of the catalyst as to why I went public when I did. I don’t have kids yet, but if I ever do, I don’t want someone to be able to say I’m “unfit to be a mother” because they suddenly discovered I was polyamorous after the fact.

One huge factor that contributed to my reluctance to be publicly polyamorous was fear of how family, friends, and acquaintances would react. While Dr. Moors’ study found that 1 in 6 Americans was interested in polyamory, that means that 5 in 6 (83%) Americans are not, and of those, only 14.2% said they respected those in polyamorous relationships. In other words, the majority of non-polyamorous individuals disrespect polyamorous folks and/or have negative perceptions about polyamory.

“Compared to monogamous relationships, consensually non-monogamous relationships are perceived as low in relationship quality, less committed, immoral, and harmful to children.”

(Moors et al., 2021)

So to circle back, yes, I’d say that you probably know more polyamorous folks than you think, but for one reason or another, they’ve chosen to keep that information private. Discrimination and stigma are huge contributors to this, which is why I write this blog in the first place, so that stigma can hopefully shrink and more polyam folks can feel comfortable being their authentic selves.

Do you worry about STDs?

Oh my gosh, thank you for this question. Speaking of stigmas, this is one of the most common misconceptions I’ve heard.

First things first, let’s talk terminology. Sharing this recap from an earlier post, Destigmatizing HPV:

Many people use STI and STD interchangeably, but there’s actually a difference. Having an STI means that your body has been infected with something (bacteria, parasite) that hasn’t yet developed into a disease. Sometimes infections clear up on their own, and sometimes they can develop into STDs – which are diseases that affect your body negatively and produce signs and symptoms.

So, do I worry about STIs? I wouldn’t say I worry about STIs. I think about STIs and I take preventative measures to avoid contracting and transmitting them, but it isn’t something I necessarily worry about, if that makes sense.

Research has found that among those who don’t respect polyamory, they wrongfully believe that polyamory is “a source of the spread of sexually-transmitted infections”.

(Kinsey Institute, 2022)

It’s no surprise that a 2015 study found that ENM folks tend to have more lifetime sexual partners than monogamous folks. However, the study also found that ENM folks were more likely to use condoms and test regularly for STIS. Additionally, the ENM folks in the study didn’t appear to have elevated rates of STIs compared to the monogamous folks in the study ⁵.

Ultimately any person having sex is at risk of STIs, whether they’re monogamous or ENM. All you can do is do what you can to lower that risk as much as possible.

For the ENM community, that typically means the following:

• Having open & honest conversations prior to becoming intimate with new partners to discuss:
  • most recent STI screening and results
  • birth control & STI prevention methods
• Regular routine STI screenings
  • Personally, I go every 3 months (once a quarter) regardless if I’ve added new partners or not, because some STIs take long periods of time to become detectable on a screening.
    • In addition to myself, this frequency seems to be the norm within my close group of polyam friends
• Continued transparency & communication throughout relationships as partners ebb and flow and we become aware of any potential STI contraction within our partner network

Thinking back to college where casual relationships were the norm, I rarely saw friends going in for STI screenings after becoming intimate with a new partner. Chatting with my gynecologist at one of my routine screenings, she mentioned that one of the communities she worked in recently saw an increase in syphilis cases within high school aged folks. She said she wished young folks in casual yet monogamous relationships would be as proactive about STI screenings as she’d witnessed within the ENM community. At that point it isn’t about monogamy or ENM, it’s about whether or not the person you’re having sex with has ever had any other partners. If they have, do the smart thing and get screened.

So, no. I don’t worry about STIs. I acknowledge that there’s a risk and I do all I can to mitigate that risk. I also know that STIs are extremely stigmatized and I know that it’s not the end of the world if I were to contract an STI at some point.

Have you ever had trust broken and let someone back in? What had to happen for that to occur?

Yes, and as I was thinking about this question, I was resonating on the fact that, in general, I tend to be a more forgiving person. Sometimes I’ve let people back in and they went on to break my trust again repeatedly, and other times I’ve let people back in who worked to build back the trust and we went on to have long, healthy relationships. Ultimately, both parties need to be committed to repairing the relationship for it to work.

What needs to happen for that to occur? For me, the key to every hardship is communication.

That may seem too basic and mundane but communicating effectively is hard work. It’s important that both parties get the opportunity to communicate while the other listens:

• The party whose trust was broken needs to communicate what exactly the other party did to break their trust put words to the emotions they’re feeling. I’m a big fan of the “feelings wheel” developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox because it really helps to put words to the things I’m feeling, especially when I’m upset.
  • Ex. I’m not just angry, I feel bitter and violated. I’m not just sad, I feel hurt and embarassed.
  • Communicating exactly how you feel can help your partner truly understand why breaking your trust was a big deal
• I believe that most people who break trust don’t do it with malicious intent.
  • there are a myriad of reasons why people break the trust of their partners and though they don’t justify wrongful actions, any of the following may be true:
    • they may not realize the thing they’re doing is breaking trust
    • they may not realize how important something may be to their partner
    • they may be impaired and not thinking correctly
  • because of this, it’s important that the person who broke trust also get the chance to communicate how they’re feeling about the whole thing
• One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that for me to begin to mend the rift, I need the other person to acknowledge and take ownership of their hurtful actions.

Ultimately know that it’s not an overnight process – broken trust hurts and it takes time to heal. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be immediate. However, equally important is committing to whatever outcome you choose. If you do choose to forgive and move forward, it doesn’t do either party any good to constantly bring up this hurtful event. Keep it in the past and move on.

For me, personally, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. It it’s the first time this person has broken my trust, I try to do what I can to forgive and put it behind us. If it becomes a pattern, that’s when I start to analyze my boundaries and determine if keeping this person in my life is worth the pain.

The next question wasn’t so much a question as an introspection. I’d like to share, with my commentary it in the event that any others have similar thoughts:

• “I am in a monogamous relationship I don’t believe that will ever change but I have considered polyamory. I can understand how Polyamory relationships work for others, and tbh I have been curious as well.”
  • Hey, this person is part of the 1 in 6 Americans who has considered polyamory! Thank you for being part of the 29% of Americans that don’t think negatively about polyamory!
• “I feel like I would be bouncing around a lot between the relationships and feel like I wouldn’t be a good partner for anyone I’m with. Because I think I’ll possibly not succeed in making every relationship I have work equally. Like if I’m mad at partner 1, I will go to partner 2 to cheer me up and vise versa.”
  • Let’s first look at the fear that you’d be bouncing around between relationships too much to be a good partner. That’s a valid concern. I’ve had it happen to me by partners who were poly-saturated. There is such a thing as having too many partners, and it is common among people new to polyamory who haven’t yet learned their time/energy restrictions. Ultimately, jumping into a relationship structure different than the one we’ve been accustomed to is going to come with challenges. To be successful in anything, we have to be willing to learn and grow with each experience. If you find yourself in a situation in which you’re bouncing around and not being a good partner, hopefully you can take a step back and reflect on what changes can be made to get to a better place.
  • Next, I want to touch on the concept of “equal” relationships. This was something I struggled with a lot at first: trying to make relationships equal. Feeling like I needed equality from my partners in order to feel valid. I feel like this mentality is fueled by the mononormative society we’ve been brought up in, that encourages comparison among people and choosing only the best to pursue solely. One of the neat things in polyamory is that you don’t have to choose one or the other. Each relationship is unique and as such, we should avoid comparing them and trying to force them to be equal. I talk a lot about this and the concept of aggressive fairness in my recent post Evolution Through ENM.
  • Looking for support when feeling down isn’t a bad thing. I’m sure you do this in some aspects already. Have you ever been frustrated by something your partner did and then gone to your friend(s) to vent? Adding more relationships and partners essentially is expanding your support network. That said, there’s a difference between venting and emotional dumping ⁶. It’s normal and acceptable to vent to our partners. In fact, “[m]indful emotional processing with a friend or loved one can have significant upsides, like increasing self-awareness and interpersonal connection” (Sloan, 2023). It’s not, however, their responsibility to cheer us up. If we get to a point we find we’re relying on our friends/partners to be the thing that cheers us up and gives us that validation, it’s a great indicator that we need to do some self reflection and inner work.
• “I am such a jealous person in general, that if my relationship turns into a polyamorous one I feel like I wouldn’t handle it well. I know I will be jealous if my current partner finds other partners and they become physical (which I know is ok because it’s fair if I am physical with my other partners, that it is completely fair for them to be physical as well) and that my current partner will like his other partners more because I’m not good enough as emotionally/mentally/sexually/healthy as good as the other partners are.”
  • I think the number one comment I hear from people commenting on polyamory is “I could never do that I’m too jealous”, so you aren’t alone in this. I can confirm – yes! Jealousy happens! I’ve experienced those same insecurities of “what if someone else is better than me”. Sometimes our partner’s partners will be better at stuff than us. But sometimes we will be better at things than our partner’s partners too, and likely that’s why they value having relationships with both of us.
  • Addressing the fear that you ‘aren’t good enough’: I won’t sugar coat it. Sometimes people use polyamory as a way to constantly seek the “next best thing”. So it’s possible that you may date an icky person who uses polyamory as a means to replace you; and that sucks, but it also gets you out of a relationship with a shitty human. The majority of polyamorous folks are polyamorous not to find replacements, but to add enrichment to their lives.
  • One thing that’s helped me is to think about myself. I have several partners, and I value them all tremendously. There is nothing one of them could do that would make me want to give up a relationship with any of the others.
• “I apologize if the way I explain is at all hurtful, I’m not good at explaining things so I hope this all makes sense. I do experience love on a higher level than the average person, but I also feel defeat and pain more than the average person. I hope this makes sense and I would love to hear your perspective even though I didn’t ask a specific question!”
  • I appreciate your submission to my #AMA greatly! It wasn’t hurtful at all; in fact, a lot of these sentiments mirror what I’ve heard from others when chatting in person. Ultimately I highly recommend reading my recent post Evolution Through ENM because it touches on a lot of these points as I go through challenges I faced and how I overcame them to get where I am now. I went into ENM with learned behaviors that weren’t always the healthiest and while I’m feeling confident now, my journey hasn’t been without its challenges.

No questions here at the moment! Just wanted to say thanks for your transparency and vulnerability on this blog. In particular, so happy to hear of your negative HPV result!

Gee, thanks! Every time I write a post, I hear the voice of my mom echoing “do you have to put your personal business out there for everyone?”

Yes, yes I do.

I’m a strong believer that openness and transparency is helping to aid de-stigmatization, even if the overall impact is minor. The more we talk about something openly, the more accepted it becomes. I’m not out here trying to “convert people to polyamory”. I’m trying to make it more acceptable for the folks who are polyamorous to live their lives authentically, so whether or not you’re polyamorous or monogamous, thank you so much for reading.

And regarding HPV, I was also happy that the infection dissipated without developing into something like cervical cancer. I’m happy to shed light on this STI that, according to the CDC, affects virtually every sexually active adult at one point or another, but that the public seems to know so little about ⁷. I’m also happy to be part of the 90% whose HPV went away on its own after two years, which helps to quell one of the common misconceptions that once you test positive, you’ll test positive forever ⁸.

Wrap Up

Thank you to all who submitted questions, hopefully these answers help to give a little more insight into aspects you were curious about. The question submission form will remain open and as I get more questions I’ll put out batches of responses. Thanks for reading!

XO

Kelsey

References:

1. Sheff, E. (2016, October 4). Is polyamory a form of sexual orientation? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201610/is-polyamory-form-sexual-orientation ↩
2. Moors, A. C., Gesselman, A. N., & Garcia, J. R. (2021). Desire, familiarity, and engagement in polyamory: Results from a national sample of single adults in the united states. Frontiers in Psychology, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.619640 ↩
3. CDC. (2022, June 29). National diabetes statistics report. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/diabetes/data/statistics-report/index.html ↩
4. Kinsey Institute. (2022, June 17). Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy in the US. Kinsey Institute Research & Institute News. https://blogs.iu.edu/kinseyinstitute/2022/06/17/polyamory-and-consensual-non-monogamy-in-the-us/
5. Lehmiller, J. J. (2015). A comparison of sexual health history and practices among monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous sexual partners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(10), 2022–2028. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.1298 ↩
6. Sloan, E. (2023, August 8). How to deal when a friend’s venting turns into full-on emotional dumping—and why this behavior is so toxic. Well+Good. https://www.wellandgood.com/emotional-dumping/ ↩
7. CDC. (2021, April 5). HPV statistics. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stats.htm ↩
8. CDC. (2022a, April 12). STD facts – human papillomavirus (HPV). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm ↩