As I approach the five-year mark since discovering my polyamorous nature, I’ve been doing some introspection on what it means to live life as a polyamorous person. As is the goal for many of my posts, I aim to demystify and destigmatize polyamory for the non-polyamorous folks in my life.

I recently had an experience in one of my relationships that lead to such overwhelmingly positive emotions that it sparked a conversation with my core group of ENM besties. It lead to the realization that with polyamory, we must often accept the fact that we are not a “full part of our partner’s lives”.

“But Kelsey, when you describe the difference between open relationships and polyamory, your go-to response is that typically: open relationships allow for multiple sex-only connections, while polyamory allows for multiple full-fledged relationships. How can you have a full-fledged relationship but not be a full part of your partner’s life?”

Well, friends, that’s an excellent question. Let me explain.

When I say “full-fledged relationship”, I’m refering to the actual relationship between two (or more) partners. Thinking back to monogamous relationships I’ve considered “full-fledged”, they typically included the following:

• Romantic attraction
• Sexual attraction
• Scheduled time for dates, both exciting and mundane
• Supporting each other’s emotional, physical, and mental needs
• Willingness to problem-solve when issues arise

In polyamory, all of that still exists. What’s often lacking is existing in areas of your partner’s life outside of just your relationship. Family, friends, coworkers. Where “committed” monogamous relationship partners are slowly introduced into various social circles, the same isn’t true for many polyamorous relationships.

Societal norms tell us that if you’re “serious” about a partner, you’ll eventually introduce them to everyone closest to you. You’ll introduce them to friend groups; you’ll bring them to the company party; you’ll invite them to family functions. It’s the natural progression of relationships.

In polyamory, various factors often prevent this from occurring.

1. Being in the “Polyamory Closet”
   • Because of the negative stigmas surrounding ENM, most polyamorous people I know are in the “polyamory closet” to some degree.
     • Maybe they’re out to close friends, but not to coworkers or family
     • They may fear being disowned by family for being polyamorous
       • This is more than just an emotional toll, and comes with the loss of support (financial, physical, emotional, etc.)
     • Polyamory isn’t a recognized protected class
       • Someone could legally be fired from their job for being polyamorous.
       • Someone could legally lose custody of their children for being polyamorous.
     • These are life-altering reprocussions that force many polyamorous folks to stay closeted.
2. Relationship Structure Limitations
   • Many polyamorous folks are in hierachical structures that prioritize one relationship over another
     • When invited to parties/events, plus-ones are customary; the “plus-one” is often reserved for the primary partner
     • Holidays, special events, and occassions are often reserved for the primary partner
   • Some polyamorous folks practice parallel polyamory as opposed to kitchen-table polyamory which have limitations in place on who all in one’s life can interact with each other.
     • Parallel Polyamory – a type of polyamory in which partners within a single network have separate relationships, without the desire to interact with their metamours
     • Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP) – a type of polyamory in which all partners within a single network are comfortable with each other whether they’re in a romantically involved with someone or not; the idea comes from the idea that everyone would be comfortable around one table for a meal 
3. Lack of societal acceptance
   • Even if someone is out of the closet, and even if hierarchies don’t prevent them from including a partner, sometimes the people around us don’t accept polyamorous relationships to be valid.
     • Using myself as an example for this one: I’m fully public and I’m non-hierarchical, you’d think that any partner of mine could be fully present in my life.
       • While I’m out as being polyamorous, I have various family members who disagree with the idea of polyamory and have stated they do not want to meet any of my partners.

For all of these reasons, I can be in a “serious”, “committed”, relationship with someone, and still not be a “full part” of their life. Thinking back to all of the substantial relationships I’ve had during the past 5 years:

• 2 year relationship: (heirarchical, KTP)
  • met a few of my partner’s friends, but their coworkers and family didn’t know I existed
  • they met my friends; my family and coworkers knew about them.
• 5 year relationship: (non-heirarchical, KTP)
  • their other partners know about me, but they’re not out to coworkers/family
  • they’ve met my friends and other partners; my family and coworkers know about them.
• 1 year relationship (heirarchical, Parallel)
  • no one outside of their primary knew I existed
  • they weren’t interested in meeting any of my friends or partners
• 1 year relationship: (non-heirarchical, KTP)
  • a few of their friends knew I existed but we never interacted
  • they met my friends, coworkers, and other partners; my family knew about them.
• 2 month relationship: (heirarchical, KTP)
  • their friends, close coworkers, and family know about me
  • they’ve met my friends; my family and coworkers know about them.

Going back to the reason I started reflecting about this all in the first place had to do with an experience I had with my newest partner. He was in the hospital getting surgery and he knew I’d be worried. I couldn’t be there in-person because this hospital only allowed family members in the surgical wing. As soon as the surgery was completed, I received a text from my partner’s mom letting me know that the surgery went well and that he was being taken to recovery.

My partner’s mother….texted his girlfriend.

Guys. My married partner’s 70-something mother……texted me because she knew I’d be worried and freaking out about his surgery.

Not only did she text me to let me know he was out of surgery, she texted me several times that day to keep me updated until he eventually woke up and got his phone back and was able to text me himself.

I haven’t felt as giddy as I did then in a LONG time. I was in shock and awe with how that simple short text exchange gave me so much joy.

I was gushing over it in my group chat when one friend hit the nail on the head: “Kelsey, you’re a full part of his life.”

It’s truly incredible, how something so trivial, can make so much of an impact. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years, and I’ve become so used to having to modify relationships to fit within these limited spaces that society allows; I’ve become used to having to redefine what committment and having a “full relationship” means within the confines of mononormativity.

I don’t fault my partners or the relationships I’m in for the limitations they have. As someone who was disowned by immediate family for a chunk of time for coming out as polyamorous, I understand having to redefine the paramaters of relationships due to external forces at play. It’s just a part of life that polyamorous folks have to live with.

A lot of this post discusses how societal norms affect polyamorous relationships, but society isn’t set in stone; societal norms are fluid and subject to change over time. The evolution of societal attitudes and acceptance is an ongoing process, and whether you’re polyamorous or not, we all play an active role in reshaping these norms.

I envision a future where the experiences similar to what I had with my partner’s mom aren’t few and far between like they are today. I aspire for a society that evolves towards greater acceptance, where ENM and polyamory are as acceptable as traditional relationship styles. I long for a culture that celebrates diversity and understands that love and connection manifest in myriad forms. When polyamorous folks openly share their stories, challenges, and joys, they become agents of change, challenging preconceived notions and fostering a more inclusive understanding of diverse relationship structures. By standing in solidarity with their polyamorous friends, monogamous allies contribute to the collective effort of broadening societal perspectives on relationships.