You met someone new! Maybe you’re in the early stages of a new relationship, or maybe you’re just starting initial conversations with a potential new partner. Everytime your phone buzzes you feel giddy when you see their name. It seems as though you simply can’t get enough. How could it be that you have such strong emotions so soon? The answer is New Relationship Energy (NRE).

What is NRE?

New Relationship Energy is a term used throughout polyamory to describe the heightened emotional and/or sexual feelings that comes from connecting with a new partner. These intense feelings generally last around a few months into a new relationship but can linger for up to a year. While individuals in monogamous relationships experience the same giddy/bubbly feelings, it is generally thought of as normal relationship progression or early infatuation (think “puppy love” or the “honeymoon stage”). In polyamorous relationships, we call attention to NRE because of the stark difference that may exist between new and existing relationships.

When I was new to polyamory, both NP and I experienced NRE for other partners. As I tried to look for resources to help – almost all of them painted NRE in a negative light. I don’t agree that NRE is solely a negative part of polyamory; rather, I believe that it’s something beautiful to be embraced, as long as you remain aware of how it’s affecting you and continue to act rationally.

The Joys of New Relationships

NRE is a wonderful thing to experience. Meeting someone new and starting a new relationship just feels good. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and your body is saturated with endorphins. Maybe this new partner is into things that your other partners aren’t. Maybe they share a hobby with you that others don’t. There is immense excitement of the possibilities this new relationship may bring. No person is the same as another, so dating this person will be unlike dating any of your other partners and that’s exciting. As you begin to get to know this new person, you haven’t yet experienced any mundanities or drawbacks in the relationship. Everything about them is shiny and alluring so it’s no wonder the appeal to fully immerse yourself with this new person is strong. I’ve seen various polyamorous resources compare NRE to a drug with the strong, addiction-like, responses it can trigger.

Why it’s Important to be Aware of NRE

Affecting Existing Relationships

For anyone new to polyamory who has an existing partner, NRE may catch us off-guard. Suddenly we have all this excitement in this new connection. All we can think about is the new partner and we want to spend as much time as possible immersing ourselves in the new relationship. While this isn’t inherently bad, it may lead us to neglect the relationship needs of our existing partner(s). Often times, we’ve been in relationships with our existing partner for years and things aren’t new anymore. You may no longer schedule regular date nights. Your time together may be spent running errands, doing housework, or caring for children. Experiencing NRE for a new partner may cause your brain to compare the new relationship to the old one. Stability and routine of more established relationships can start to look mundane when compared to a new relationship with exciting get-to-know-you dates. With the excitement of the new relationship at the forefront of your mind, you may forget how much you enjoy your current, more established relationship(s). Sometimes, I’ve even witnessed examples of individuals having so much NRE for a new partner that they break things off with their existing partner completely so they can focus solely on the new relationship. Long story short, NRE can really affect how you want to divvy time between partners. It may make it so you want to spend 100% of your time and energy on this new relationship, but doing so may negatively affect the existing relationships you have.

Ignoring Red Flags

NRE and the excitement and emotions that new relationships bring are extremely powerful and may blind us to any flaws or red flags within the new relationship. With NRE, we may be more apt to shrug off things that may actually be cause for concern. I’ll admit that I’ve been a victim to this myself. I was so swept up in the excitement that I let little actions here and there go. I excused my partner’s behavior because I was focused on the potential the relationship had. Eventually as the NRE wore off, I realized that the things I had excused in the past were actually problems that shouldn’t have gone unaddressed. I could have saved myself the heartbreak later on if I hadn’t ignored the red flags up front. When we’re getting to know a new person, they’re so shiny and new and our brains tell us they can do no wrong.

Making Rash Decisions

The polyamorous community tends to caution against making any life-changing decisions within the first year of a new relationship, due to the effects that NRE may have on a person. Quitting a job, having a child, moving long distances to be with a new partner – these are all decisions that may be clouded with rose colored glasses because of NRE. If you find yourself with a strong desire to make any of these life changes and especially if you’re in the first 6 months of a relationship, get a second opinion from a friend or family member who has your best interest at heart. People generally attempt to put their best foot forward when starting new relationships. Perhaps this person has some unhealthy habits or incompatible flaws that haven’t come to light yet. Remember, we’re all human. None of us are perfect, but at times NRE can make us believe that a new partner truly is perfect. You can always wait and decide to do these life changing things later, but you can’t always take these decisions back if it turns out that the new relationship wasn’t all you expected it to be.

So with all of these things to be cautious about, how do we allow ourselves to embrace the fun parts of NRE, without falling prey to the drawbacks?

NRE Survival Guide

• First things first, we need to be able to recognize when we’re experiencing NRE
  • This will become easier with time as you become more in tune with yourself when in new relationships.
  • Look for ways in which your behaviors are different from the norm
    • For me, one of the big signs I’m experiencing NRE is that I’ll stay up extremely late chatting with a new partner.
    • Typically, I’m tired and in bed by 10pm, so if it’s past midnight and I’m still texting with someone, that’s one way I know I’m experiencing NRE.
• For individuals in an existing relationship, there are ways both individuals can navigate NRE with a new partner. The key is for both parties to be understanding.
  • For the partner experiencing the NRE:
    • remember to make intentional time for existing partners
      • really cater to their love language
        • schedule an extra date night
        • do some extra work around the house
        • buy them flowers or a small gift
        • leave them notes around the house with compliments
      • going the extra mile to make them feel loved and appreciated will help to alleviate any feelings of neglect
    • listen to the needs of your existing partners and understand how they may be feeling underappreciated
    • hold off on making any big, life-changing decisions for the first 6 months to 1 year of a new relationship
  • For the existing partner of someone experiencing NRE:
    • remembering a time when you felt NRE will allow you to better empathize with your partner
      • NP and I realize that NRE is a temporary thing and we try to be more accepting about reductions in time spent with each other
      • We both have felt the excitement that comes along with new relationships so we are more understanding when wanting to shift time allocations from the norm, which enables the partner experiencing NRE to embrace the excitement of the new relationship
    • if you find that your needs aren’t being met, communicate that to your partner and try to compromise on a solution that will still allow them to enjoy the NRE stages of a new relationship while also making sure your needs are being met
    • help to keep your partner grounded if you notice them leaning toward any rash decision-making

When Your Partner Begins a New Relationship

One thing to note is that a reduction in time (unrelated to NRE) may be inevitable when your partner takes on a new partner. That doesn’t mean that your partner values you any less. The one finite resource we all live with is time. When someone takes on a new partner, a portion of their time will be devoted to that relationship. This time has to come from somewhere and it may come from time that was previously spent with another partner.

Once, a partner of mine was beginning a new relationship and tried to reassure me that “nothing was going to change”. However, the amount of time I got to see him decreased and to me, that wasn’t “nothing changing”. When we talked more about it, he meant that his feelings for me, and the core of our relationship wasn’t changing, which was true. Change may be inevitable but change isn’t always a bad thing.

Hopefully by this point you’re familiar with what NRE is, and you’re better prepared to enjoy the good parts of NRE while avoiding the negative aspects.

Leave a comment with how you’ve experienced NRE with new relationships.

Want To Learn Even More?

Check out some of my favorite Multiamory podcast episodes tackling NRE:

• 320 – Limerence and NRE: The Dark and Light Sides of the Force
• 190 – Surviving and Thriving in NRE