When did the world turn into such a mononormative place? Has it always been this way? Is it like this everywhere? Someday I’ll really dig into research and look more into this…other time periods, other countries, other cultures, other species…but for now, I wanted to post a lighter blog outlining the challenges and benefits of being openly polyamorous in a predominantly monogamous culture. (Stay tuned for a more in-depth look at coming out as polyamorous in a future post.)

The Negatives:

Hearing Others’ Conflicting Opinions Constantly.

I have never been subjected to other’s opinions on a topic more than I have about polyamory. What’s worse, is that these people seem to find a way to bring it up in every conversation.

Called a family member to chat about the weather?

They’re loving the hints of spring warmth and oh, you really shouldn’t be polyamorous.

Hanging out with a friend, talking about how savage Gordon Ramsay was on that one episode of Kitchen Nightmares?

That was so wild…but also if you’re polyamorous then why did you get married.

It blows my mind sometimes how often people feel the need to insert their conflicting beliefs on my relationship style.

Look, I understand that having multiple loving relationships at a time is not the norm and that people will have their curiosities. I’m happy to have conversations with anyone about how my relationships work, if I experience jealousy, how I manage my time and energy, and so on and so forth. What I wasn’t prepared for was the amount of times I’d have to defend my choices, over and over to the same people.

When I went public with the knowledge that I was polyamorous, I was fully ready to lose friends and family members from my life, knowing how controversial something like non-monogamy can be. I spent years as a polyamorous person who hid that part of her life from everyone. As I sought out resources online, I could tell from the tens of thousands of negative comments on social media posts about non-monogamy and polyamory, that this was not something that everyone would just “be okay” with.

I wasn’t prepared to have friends and family members be initially supportive, and then later come clean about their true feelings of disapproval months or years later. I was even less prepared to have those close individuals continue to assert their opinions in seemingly every conversation – even after both NP and I have expressed that this is just who we are; even after these individuals have been able to witness the happiness we’ve experienced, and the positive growth we’ve both had. It’s insanely frustrating to believe that you have certain individuals in your corner, believe that you have individuals who support you, and then realize that it’s been a lie all along. To me, that’s much worse than the people who stopped talking to me the moment I went public.

I try to think of the flip side. Have I ever in my life insisted to a monogamous individual that polyamory is the far superior way to live? I haven’t. Because I’m not in a relationship with that person, so the way they do relationships has zero effect on my life. Just like how these individuals aren’t in a relationship with me, so me being polyamorous, has zero effect on their life.

People Thinking You’ll Try To Steal Their Partner.

I’ll always remember the moment NP and I came out to a group of our friends. It was a group of friends we’d had for a few years that included several couples. The moment NP and I told them we had other partners, several of the male halves of the couples became instantly defensive and voiced concern that NP better not try to steal their wives. They weren’t joking; they were legitimately concerned.

One time, the male half of a very close couple to us told us he would prefer if we didn’t talk about our other partners/relationships because he “didn’t want his wife to get any ideas”.

I’ve had male friends who had to stop hanging out with me platonically because their female partner was concerned that I would try to make a move.

I find that no matter how you try and explain ethical non-monogamy, there will always people who don’t understand and assume you’re trying to break up their monogamous relationship. Humans are prone to insecurity, especially when they don’t understand things fully. It’s been a challenge to see insecurities rise in couples we were friends with prior to going public with our polyamory. Because it’s easier to eliminate a perceived threat than it is to dig down and work on the root of insecurities, we’ve seen quite a few friendships fizzle and fade after being public about our relationship style.

Blaming Polyamory for the End of Relationships.

Thankfully I haven’t had to experience this firsthand, but I’m in enough poly support groups to realize that this is common. When an established couple moves from monogamy to polyamory, sometimes things don’t work out. When this happens, people on the outside always blame polyamory as the cause. They may know nothing about the ins and outs of the relationship, but they assume that if the couple had remained monogamous, they would have still been together. This was one of my top concerns when coming out as polyamorous. NP and I have an amazing relationship, but my fear was that if something happened down the road and we did choose to end our relationship, if we were out as poly – that’s all anyone would blame. We wanted to come out to shine light on the non-traditional relationship style we have, but I was terrified of being a bad example for polyamory, terrified of being a reason for onlookers to condemn polyamory.

Assuming that Polyamory is the Result of Relationship Problems.

This goes hand in hand with outsiders assuming that becoming polyamorous is the result of relationship problems, and this IS something I’ve experienced first hand. Trying to be proactive about my sexual health, I disclosed my non-monogamous status to my gynecologist early on. I’ll never forget as I was leaving the office that day, she said “you know…..those types of marriages never work out in the long run”. When I came out to my parents (and that is a WHOLE other post waiting to be written) the first thing they said was “if you’re having marital problems why not just get divorced”. Trying to be proactive, NP and I began couples counseling right as we began the transition to non-monogamy. Even the therapist we had at the time used polyamory as an excuse to not dig deeper to root causes when we had issues. “If you stop seeing other people, the problem will go away”. But the problem wasn’t the other people, it was the lack of communication.

Now, sometimes people do turn to non-monogamy when they’re having problems, as an attempt to band-aid the situation. Historically, when I’ve seen this happen, those relationships don’t work out in the long run, but it’s rarely because of polyamory. More often, there are underlying problems already in existence. Polyamory may shine a light on those existing problems and at that point, you can either try to solve the problems or end the relationship.

The Positives:

Insightful Conversations with People Who Have Different Relationship Styles.

One of my favorite things since coming out is having monogamous friends and acquaintances strike up conversations with me for the purpose of curiosity rather than criticism. One of the things I’ve noticed is that a lot of the negative criticism of polyamory and ENM comes from a lack of understanding leading to incorrect assumptions which people then criticize. In order to combat this, I’ve encouraged people to come ask me questions so that no incorrect assumptions can be made. Honestly, that’s part of the reason this blog was created. I absolutely love having insightful conversations with people about how my relationships work, if I experience jealousy, how I manage my time and energy, and so on and so forth. The neat thing is, I’m not trying to turn monogamous people polyamorous, and the people who have these conversations with me aren’t trying to turn me monogamous. I love that – when individuals with differences can chat cordially without judgement and hostility.

If you are one of my monogamous friends and you’re reading this blog – I appreciate you so much. Please know that to me, no question is off limits. I absolutely love having in person conversations. In fact, you approaching me to ask questions or have conversations shows me that you accept me and it makes it easier for me to be myself in front of you.

Having Others Consider you a Safe Space for Acceptance.

A while ago I posted a blog about my experience with HPV. After sharing this on my social media accounts, I had a handful of people reach out to confide that they had gone through, or were going through a similar situation. To them – they were able to share this thing with me, that they needed to keep hidden from the rest of the world. Especially with HPV and knowing how utterly alone I felt – I want nothing more than to help others feel less alone.

This goes for non-monogamy as well. As an openly polyamorous individual, I’ve had people come to me to let me know that they, too, have an alternative relationship style. With society as it currently is, it is extremely hard for people to be out about being ENM. It’s possible that people could be at risk of losing their jobs, or even custody of their children. I’ve witnessed both of these terrifying situations happen to individuals in the polyam support groups. By being open about my ENM relationship style, similar minded folks feel comfortable coming to me to share things they may have no one else to share to. I love being able to provide that safe haven for someone.

Attracting Other Like Minded Individuals.

Early on in my ENM journey, I was beaming with excitement over something polyam related and I ended up confiding in a group of friends I hoped would be accepting. To my surprise, one of the individuals then confided in me that they, too, lived a similar life! I was totally shocked because I never would have expected! In time since I’ve been open, I’ve made so many deep connections with people who were friends or acquaintances who ended up having similar relationship styles.

In addition to the friends I had before, I’ve made so many new polyamorous and ENM friends in the years I’ve been open about it. I have two extremely close groups of girlfriends – one is comprised of a group of four women I met years ago at a lifestyle event. We began a group chat the day after the event and have been the best of friends ever since. The neat thing about meeting other ENM individuals is that for the most part we have all the same ideologies of acceptance.

Having Closer Friendships

While one of the negatives about being outwardly polyamorous includes the possibility of losing some friendships, one of the most fulfilling positives for me is that the friends who do stay, and the new friends who come along – they generally tend to be better human beings overall. I have learned that the ones who left were the ones who weren’t really worth keeping. On the flip side, the ones to know and accept the real me have such a positive and uplifting presence in my life. They are more open minded and accepting and they are less judgemental. In addition to possessing these positive qualities, our friendships are deeper because I’m able to be my true, authentic self, 100% of the time. I can’t even begin to describe how utterly freeing that is. I mentioned having two close groups of girlfriends, the other is comprised of my four closest theatre friends. While none of them are polyamorous, they accept me and love me fully. Their opinion of me isn’t tainted because I have multiple partners, in fact they care about my other relationships and know my other partners by name. With them, I’m just Kelsey.

Before I was open, I’d listen to my friends talking about their weekends and when asked how my weekend was, I’d say “oh it was uneventful” or something along those lines, because I wasn’t able to say “I actually had a great weekend with this person I’m dating who isn’t NP”. To be able to fully share my life’s happenings with friends – it’s a wonderful feeling. Whether it’s being able share the happiest moments like telling new partners I love them, celebrating anniversaries, and sharing epic date experiences; or getting support through the impossibly hard times of heartbreak, having friends in my life who accept me has been instrumental in my overall wellbeing.

Being an Advocate for Alternative Relationship Styles

Being open about being polyamorous allows me to attempt to demystify ENM to the general public.

In 2009, a Gallup poll showed that just knowing someone who identified as gay or lesbian increased a person’s likelihood to vote in favor of gay rights.¹

Morales, 2009

By that logic, I’m hoping that by knowing someone who identifies as ENM, the people in my life will have more favorable views toward ENM issues that arise. I look at society today and am so overjoyed with the shifts that have been made towards acceptance with the LGBTQIA+ community over the 30+ years I’ve been alive. That acceptance is what helped me to have the courage to come out publicly as bisexual. It’s my dream that one day, folks in ENM relationships can be just as widely accepted, but in order to get there, the community needs public advocates.

Being openly polyamorous allows me to give a face to ethical non-monogamy. It allows the people around me to realize that it’s not just some taboo thing that crazy people do. I’m Kelsey – just a normal person. I’m heavily involved in community theatre and in the coatings industry. I spend my free time performing, playing softball, losing at board games, and volunteering. I have three current relationships and one comet partner. I’m polyamorous at my core. It’s just another part of my identity. It’s my hope that people can look at me and realize that being polyamorous doesn’t make me a bad person; that people can start dismantling the notion that monogamy is the only correct way to do relationships; that people can stop criticizing the ENM folks for a lack of loyalty and commitment.

Hopefully this post has shed some light on the ups and downs of being outwardly polyamorous. While I wanted to show that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, hopefully I’ve demonstrated that at least for me, the good far outweighs the bad. I’m excited to look back one, five, ten years from now and see what shifts have occurred towards generalized acceptance of the ENM community. Until then, I’ll keep being myself and living my life in hopes of being a positive advocate.

Polyam folks: Leave a comment with the number one reason you are or are not openly polyamorous!

Monogamous folks: Leave a comment with how many outwardly ENM folks you know – I’m super curious!

References:

1. Morales, L. (2009, May 29). Knowing someone gay/lesbian affects views of gay issues. Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/118931/knowing-someone-gay-lesbian-affects-views-gay-issues.aspx ↩